02002 - 02006

some fine hardblues lyrics, originally intended to put on music

(not for the faint of heart)

5 a.m.
neon lit train
slow winter ride
back to my cage
city to city
keeping awake
wondering how much more I can take
the roar on the rails rattling my bones
my cold flesh moving to the bends of the road
here I am
the sole passenger
breathing and waiting
on low stamina

1 a.m.
orange street lights pushing
taxis roam, strangers stare
hands in my pockets
frozen eye sockets
legs full of lead
and a head that’s pounding
fog adds to the mood
grotesque surroundings
here I dwell
stoned on insomnia
dragging myself
on low stamina
10 p.m.
Anspach Boulevard
feeling mean, feeling hard*
colorful windows
stepping on shadows
moving unmoved
automatic mode
bars fill me with noise
laughter and arguments
a man begs for money
I observe and march on
searching for nothing
on low stamina

all of my romance is self-destruction
your loveโ€ฆ mere self-deception
if i could i would
put your smile on repeat

between moving clouds the river water glistens

long lasting aches
and all my flaws
i am sure they wouldn’t believe me
their narrow views deceive me
it’s alright, i believe none of them

as the sun is setting, the river water glistens

no master plan
no dawning masterpiece
no one to impress
i think myself through
and i digress

below reflecting light bulbs the river water glistens

needles cut in every direction
my self-fulfilling nightmare
refrigerator noise
water drip drip dropping
silence beats

beneath the cold moonlight the river water glistens

giving up is not an option
despite all reactions
although it springs to mind
each and every morning

in the back of my head the river water glistens

in a room somewhere
concealed behind the curtains
left aside and slept on
a small hidden wonder
out of reach
uncertain like me

if they only knew
they’d be lying at your feet
hard to believe
that nobody’s seen it
to me you are
the world’s best kept secret

whatever i am doing
wherever you’re at
somebody’s thinking of you
your wonderful complexion
you and your mystery
makes me wonder
what makes you tick?
i’d die
for some answers

if they only knew
they’d be lying at your feet
hard to believe
that nobody’s seen it
to me you are
the world’s best kept secret

screaming at a wall
makes no sense at all
but it feels good
it feels good

when no one is out there
when nothing seems to work out right
when you’re tired of thoughts
when silence tends to win the fight
spill out your guts all alone
spit out the words and rebuild your throne
you’re the king or the queen
winding down on your own

reinvent yourself
stand solid and tall
get up and move
prepare for the next fall

screaming at a wall
makes no sense at all
but it feels good
it feels good
let them know you’re still around
end the masquerade through the power of sound
unleash your inner enemies
release your wrath till the voices cease

screaming at a wall
makes no sense at all
but it feels good
it feels good

brooding and turning
can’t sleep
searching the picture
can’t keep
it slipped away
way deep
i want it
the feeling
when eyes meet

a howl
a growl
up to the sky
full moon blues

blank dreams
no memories
no happy ends
no end stories
sick and tired
numb to the core
night after night
empty and sore

a howl
a growl
up to the sky
full moon blues
where to go
what to do
desperate anger
can’t get to
thinking through
deadly questions
where are you

ghost eyes see
tired of seeing
stuck in need
the eternity of things

ghost eyes seek host eyes
to escape the cold
ghost eyes seek on
even when they are closed

running circles inside
through familiar depths
past elusive pictures
of unanswered want

a recurrent nightmare
repetition of depletion
past and future collide
and make present obsolete

ghost eyes once mad eyes
never turn blind
hard to realize
life’s never kind

hope and dreams
got covered by shadows
the vision’s too clear
through eyes of a ghost

bloodshot eyes see
there never was a choice
ghost life years
murdered my voice

on the no side
touching clouds with my fingertips
i scoop cold drops of water
sliding down the windowpane
my breath draws foggy circles
i’m a solid piece of glass
cold and transparent

distant beauty reflects
on two empty globes
i’m empty just like me

strings of hollow words
bland imitations
plastic gestures
radio, internet, magazines, tv
things i already heard
things i’ve already seen
the world is nothing but a rerun
i’m empty just like me

sour, dull and lifeless faces
some smiles, a twinkle
hidden sadness on every corner
streets full of no ones
i’m empty just like me

distant beauty reflects
on two empty globes

the face in the mirror
devoid of self-pity
all there is to know
all that’s left to see

i’m empty just like me

don’t believe in god
i believe in beauty
don’t believe in numbers
i believe in pain
don’t believe in faith
i believe in death

i want the lie
i want it bad
i need the lie
i need it fast

some real distraction
lethal attraction
something out of this world
a lie without words
some new direction
fuck introspection
i want the lie
i want it bad
i need the lie
i need it fast

i got energy
from my rage and fury
i want energy
from the lie that’s holy
i want energy
from the lie that holds me
i want that energy
to blast through me

(Low Stamina part II)

cruising the sidewalks
crossing these streets
shut window panes
orange city twilight
my eyes tracing the concrete
as far as i can see
garbage bags piling up
i am turning to stone

nothing gets to me
it all gets to me
nothing gets to me
it all gets to me

it has started to rain
it’s been like this for years
solid stretches of moist grey
a car has trouble starting
thick air cuts my breathing
i don’t care
i continue my way
i am a solid brick
nothing gets to me
i am made out of concrete
they can’t hurt me
i am already broken
nothing gets to me
it all gets to me
nothing gets to me
it all gets to me
nothing gets to me

i am walking
but i am not moving
i am walking non-stop
but i am not moving
i take a last look around
none of this is new to me
same places same faces
same streets same me

sometimes you can’t get a grip on life
the world and its puppetry sadden you
you focus on the liars and their lies
you could teach them a thing or two
and then you start to question
the things you shouldn’t question
people have rendered you cynical
hatred builds up and makes you blind
your hatred becomes unconditional

pure hatred
so pure
for all that was
for all that couldn’t be
for all that is
for all that shouldn’t be
no one’s to blame
not even me
sometimes you’re just not seeing
the things you should see
all small talk
all misery
i hate you all
i even hate me

and don’t you know
humanity is a joke

the smell of summer
the smell of autumn
the smell of winter
the smell of spring
expectation is a cage
we build our own prisons
and decorate the walls
but no more
no more
i dug up the key
and i’m ready to throw

onto the next one
the next one to none
onto the next one
the next one to none

memories die off
to weathered tree stumps
leaves fall and dissolve
into the dirt
roots go deep
way deep
holding on to nothing

tomorrow in mind
knowing what to expect
why wait
why remember
breathe as i forget
years turn into fiction
someone else’s history
another book on the shelf
a plotless movie
i’m not the wisecracker
i used to be

turn off the lights
nothing’s left unseen
night haunts and claws
a friend and a fiend

walls closing in
your head wrapped in fists
inhale the hot air
grow numb to the stings

night claws
again and again
night claws

you’re a cold star clawing wildly at the dark
shadows claw back with fangs of black venom

night claws
you know you can’t win
night claws

when it’s cold outside
and on the inside
when it’s all there at once
too much sadness to hide

black horizon
cold city lights
your demons show up at night
at daytime you try
what would they know
the wounds never dry

trapped in
night’s claws

night claws

feeling like a no man
like a desert island
flooded by heavy currents
by longtime memories
waves curl and break and crash and slow down
glide on and slide and die on dry land

no one sees me x8

blood runs cold through silvercoated veins
through a pair of evil eyes lurking
one at the future
one at the past
my coiling body
the thin line between pleasure and pain
i’m a crawling blue snake
hiding under desert stones

no one sees me x8

i am a thought in a room
of a man in a room
of a woman somewhere
expectation runs dry
kills itself and all effort
all intent and all purpose
swept away by a breeze
into outside air

dark clouds flock and squeeze to a drizzle
raindrops fall slowly and mix with pointless tears
disappear in the ground like they never existed
into the dust and dirt
of barren desert land

no one sees me
no one sees me
no one sees me
no one sees me
no one sees me
no one sees me
no one sees me
no one sees me

no one sees me
no one sees me
no one sees me
no one sees me

it feels ok but it’s not right
it feels ok but it’s not right
it feels ok but it’s not right
in the end it’s never right
it’s never right
drawn in by short breaks
brain rush mind candy
intoxicating dreams
your world’s dissolving
only body no mind
just body no mind
body no mind
just body no mind

excess reality
that’s what it is
from excess self
to exit self
excess anything
you’d use anything
abuse anything
until everything fades again
till you’re no longer closed in
till it slams in your face
hard like fists
till it slams hard
hits you real bad
and then you just fall back

you fall back
you fall back down
back down to lowback down
back down where you started
you’re right back
right back where you started
you never really started
you just sit back
set back
forced to set back
sit back in cold blood
sit back and bleed

stars shine effortlessly as the days shift
minutes crawl by through neonlit shadows
staggering, like dark cold nights
no black and white
just shades of grey
my hairs discolour without any notice
i was built to give

all my lines thrown out
misunderstood or neglected
all of my heart
cut out, chopped and turned to waste
i hang my head in silence

i was meant to give

on somebody’s mind through long distance calls
by far the same as being part of nobody’s life at all
no breaths to share
no infinite stares
with frozen hands i protect my dying flame
i was meant to give

four letter words lost their meaning
while peace is being painted on helmets and bullets and flags and rockets
i pour water in the desert
and wait for the rain to wash the dirt off my back

sand slides through my fingers
onto the castle below collapsing
who could return what i am willing to give?
desires echoe through high wall ruins
seagulls fly by and cry and spread their laughter
i was meant to live

there’s a party going on some place downtown
satisfaction from booze and fm sound
an old man walks in
heads turn around
they can’t figure him out
the vibe is changing
they see him stroll by
a shade full of danger
be cool and make room for the trespassing stranger

she’s having some problems trying to get things straight
goes to see her friends but they can’t relate
no one feels or sees or thinks like i do
that’s what she tells herself while she tries to pull through
the distance is far
people estrange her
she meets the world like a trespassing stranger

locked out from the very start
he turned out cold
his soul got scarred
lives life the hard way
seeking what’s righteous
walks the streets alone
people find him suspicious
he’s used to it
cuts glares like a razor
just frown and stare down the trespassing stranger

the pretence we maintain
it’s a natural thing
you keep it
i keep it
we keep it going
nice and steady

erase all attention from me
let me draw it to you
i won’t mind
don’t mind
strip me of my pride
deflate my ego
and when you are gone
and when self-doubt comes running
it will blow up from nothing
to triple size

from nothing to everything
from everything to nothing
ego grows until you make it shrink
from everything to nothing
to everything to nothing
i am everything and nothing

i’m not that interesting
put yourself in the center
so i can lose some of me in you
the minute you enter

when you are gone
and when self-doubt comes running in
i will abandon in ego
me myself and i
a triple ego trip

it’s obvious
you’re scared
afraid to lose what you never had
the real-life dream
the pink balloon that’s slowly deflating
you’ll lose it anyway
no need to admit
you and i both know

you fear
you’re scared to lose
you fear
scared of the blues

fear of one
the inevitable one
the unknown
the person you hide from
you fear
the number one
you fear

you’re afraid
afraid of what could come
when the blues come down
and you quit the denial
when you leave him
and you are alone for a while
and even though you try to stay on guard
after all you’ll feel the blues come down hard
who are you trying to fool besides him and yourself?
i know
don’t tell
you’re scared
afraid to lose what you’ll never have